How responsible are we for our feelings? Annoying answer, very.
I am in a funk today, unable to shift a cloak of irritation that is sitting like fog on my mood. I'm angry at my husband for being away all week and falling asleep early last night (with his earplugs firmly in place, a habit i find ironic in not a funny way given that he is the snorer in the bed) when both our teenagers were yet to be home. I hate not getting to sleep by 10pm (it makes me very grumpy), and I cannot sleep (unlike him) until both my children are safely back in the house and vaguely on their way to bed themselves, preferably without a screen in their rooms. He, on the other hand, is not that bothered. Possibly because I am a control freak who wants everything done my way - so, he would argue, what’s the point in him even trying to help or intervene? Even more annoying is that he kind of has a point. I want everything done my way and I want some assistance from compliant, unquestioning helpers to get it done. Is that too much to ask? Unsurprisingly, yes.
I am also feeling sorry for myself that my family (the immediate ones I was birthed into, not the ones I birthed) are not mind-reading empaths. Sometimes I am very grateful for that distance, but at this particular time of the month I am feeling low and a bit ick and wishing that sometimes one of them would pick up the phone, just to check in and know - without having to probe - that I am in need of some compassion and reassurance. Sadly though, we aren’t really that kind of a family, and normally that is ok, just not today. I know from conversations with friends, patients and colleagues that NO ONE has a perfect family, and there are many things that my family is not, for which I am very grateful, when I am not feeling sorry for myself.
Another reason for this funk, most likely, is hormones, and the fact that I am in a post-ovulatory, luteal phase oestrogen crash. I have always been prone to gloomy dips in my mood, something that was multiplied a million-fold by going on the hormonal contraceptive in my late teens. There ensued years of disordered eating, panic attacks, self-doubt and crushingly low self-esteem that I have only pieced together in my wiser and later years as inextricably linked to the rollercoaster of synthetic hormones that I was naively swallowing every morning, thinking nothing of other than a vague gratitude that I could be sexually active and not really worry about pregnancy. Apparently they have now conducted experiments showing that women taking the oral contraceptive are attracted to very different partners than when they are not.... (one of very many disturbing and under-reported side effects that could fill an entire blog of their own).
So I am angry at my husband, frustrated by my kids, disappointed in my parents and irritated by my sensitivity to oestrogen fluctuations and what makes that all even more upsetting is that really the only person who can change it all is me. As much as my ego would like to apportion blame outside of myself, I am the one feeling the anger, and the irritation and the frustration. It’s not really coming from my husband’s superior night of sleep. I am also the one choosing to be offended on this particular day by my family’s lack of contact - that is nothing new, so why is it so particularly upsetting today? And while I can cut myself some slack and acknowledge that the current composition of the neuro-chemicals in my blood may well be predisposing me to sadness and irritation and gloom, it is still really up to me to do something about it.
In Chinese medicine, emotions are very much seen as a key cause of pathology, as much as bad diet, poor clothing choices or imbibed toxins. There is a whole chunk of theory dedicated to explaining how unresolved emotional debris (some may say trauma, but that word is now so overused it is also in my bucket of irritants) which is stored in our blood, accumulates in our body affecting our physiology and causing various kinds of illness. There are even links between certain organs and specific emotions - often grossly over-simplified in pretty instagram posts (another irritant) but, to simplify, essentially the energy of the emotion has correlations with the energetic function of its related organ.
And this is where self-reflection comes in. Everywhere you look we are being told the benefits of mindfulness and stillness and meditation. You can even cheat your way to bliss with plant aids, and gongs, and intense breathing exercises that completely hijack your nervous system. But the real work is in turning inwards on your own, acknowledging that YOU are feeling these feelings and so YOU need to figure out a way of moving through them and taking responsibility for them. Paying attention to where the sensations arise in your body, gently asking yourself “what exactly is it that I need right now?”, forgiving yourself for not always being nice, or happy, because actually where the pain is is where the growth is, are all ways of making progress. The more we understand why we are triggered and how we can step away from those knee jerk, blame based responses to see what is really going on, the more we can evolve in a spiritual sense - should you be interested in doing that.
For me, this seems to be one of the prime objectives of being human. As someone who has chosen a path of ‘healing’, trying to be of use to others in some way, I am really, ultimately, just trying to help and to understand myself. But we are not isolated beings. The more I tune in, the more I realise we are deeply connected with the people and plants that surround us, affecting them as much as they affect us. And this is the Chinese medical model - we are a mini microcosmic representation of the wider natural world/universe that surrounds us. Our heads reaching up to heaven, our feet planted firmly on the ground below, and everything in between trying to make sense of it all.
I am not sure what the point of this post is, outside of just venting. At some point today I will try to sit with these feelings and see if I can come up with any insights of what it is that is really bothering me, and can I find better ways to move through or change it. I sadly don’t have any foolproof answers, but fall back on the concepts of awareness, ownership and effort. I am aware that I am in a funk, it is me that is in that funk so I am going to try to move myself (blaming as few others on the way as possible) through that funk back to a place of light. Happy Sunday all.
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